anxiety and frankenpussy, what more can one ask for?

lately i have been feeling lonely and misunderstood.
not anyones fault.
and really when i step back to think on it, i am NOT alone, and alot of people DO try to understand me to the best of their ability.
maybe its a byproduct of this funk thats been going on.
i am adrenal fatigued, i might even go so far as saying adrenal exhausted.
i need to get on some adrenal supps.
yuck, ground up glands and such from other animals go into these things. ewwww.
but i WILL do what i need to do for my health and the sanity and emotional ealth of my family.
i am yelling alot.
i am losing my patience and my cool alot.
i am finding it almost imposible to calm myself down after i get upset. it just escalates inside of me, leaving me finally feeling like i have been run over by a train.
even little things set me off.
and the big things.... well i am glad that they mostly happen when someone else who can be more calm is around, so i can remove myself from the sitch.

i hate feeling like a prisoner in my own body. and thats exactly how this makes me feel. like i CANNOT escape from this constant fight or flight feeling, the exhausted feeling, the completely incapability of rationaly handling any stress.
its effecting my whole family, and its really doing a number on me.
so, i am taking a placenta pill a day. along with my FO and prenatals (my body uses everything it can in those, and being a nursing mom its nice to have extra vites to pass on) my domperidone, lecithin, and lactation herbs, and when needed, extra vit c.
i need to throw in some B vite blend as well as some adrenal support blend.
hopefully soon, everything will be much better.
if not then its time to start talking to Dr about some ADs. even though i am SO anti pharms, i know they do help alot of people.

now if only frankenpussy would cheer up.
i never realized jsut HOW different my crotch would be after giving vaginal birth to a 10lb baby. i ripped, only not in the direction most people rip.
so all the "good" parts, are mangled.
i have yet to have a deeply satisfying left 100% happy with my womanly parts sexual encounter since Niamh was born.
i know alot has to do with dryness and nursing hormones, but its not only that. i could handle a dry crotch, thats what coconut oil is for.
its the mangled fun button. the relocation and separation of my most enjoyable bits and pieces.
dont get me wrong, if i had to choose Niamhs birth exactly the way it was, or sacrifice part of it for a non mangled pussy i would choose our perfect birth frankenpussy and all.
its just hard to not be frustrated, when a part of me i have known SO well for so long is now a stranger to me.
i miss my pussy.
and i bet my husband does too.
cause he be gettin NO action from Mangled Crotch McGee

first of many

new blog. just for me.
i have the family blog. for updates on the girls, morgan, and myself.
i needed a ME space. a place to purge the gunk within, without freaking extended family members out.

so, feelings for today.
exhaustion after cleaning the repartment top to bottom. resentment at being the only one to do it and having to basically try and ignore my children till they were squawking about their needs "mom i need a new caillou, i want more kipper, can i have some juice? nana has juice, but i waaaaaant juice" and "meeep sqwawk eeeeeeerrrm baaaah pu puh poooooom" (while frantically signing for milk)
my feet hurt and my back aches. but my living space is now livable.
and i swear if it ever gets like that again i am donating 80% of those toys to goodwill and banning Morgan from doing anything but sleeping in there.
ok, so i am also pretty damn grumpy.
i cant wait for thursday. we have been invited to a valentines/anniversary party at an mazing body mod artists shop/museum. i am going to get all prettified, and i even get new shoes out of this!!!
ok so my post tax check spending needs to slow down a little bit.
but i am really liking being able to buy whatever i want/need for myself, my girls and my husband.
Niamh is sleeping sitting up straddling my leg head in the crook of my arm and she is just so damn amazingly gorgeous my heart melts into a thousand puddles when i look down at her sleeping face.
i am trying so hard to be a better mom to Addy. i need patience. i need calm, i need to be more playful, and more understanding of her needs as a highly spirited and sensitive 3.5 yo.
i love her so much. she is the sweet lil being that gave me the name mommy, she brought my life to a "whole nubba lebba" she is the first person in this world that took my heart from my chest and walks around with it in her pocket.
i think the biggest downfall i have, aside from my short fuse, is that she IS so big, and so smart. SOOOOOO smart, and witty and bright. and i often forget that under her size 6 tshirt and 10y vocab, that she is still a very very young child.
i know i have broken her heart.
on more than one occasion.
i am not proud. in fact it disgusts me.
i want to be a better mom for her. and never get like this for Niamh.

and on the flip side....
i bought lingerie.
sexy stuff.
hot and cute and sexy stuff.
cant wait to wear it thursday night. :)
not that i have ANY sex drive.
or natural lubrication.
damn nursing hormones.
gotta love human biology.
deep down in our cells our species knows what to do. it just our damn brains that get in the way of us being true to life animals, instead of cerebral
idiots that over think and screw up stuff.
agg rambling.
bedtime methinks.