first of many

new blog. just for me.
i have the family blog. for updates on the girls, morgan, and myself.
i needed a ME space. a place to purge the gunk within, without freaking extended family members out.

so, feelings for today.
exhaustion after cleaning the repartment top to bottom. resentment at being the only one to do it and having to basically try and ignore my children till they were squawking about their needs "mom i need a new caillou, i want more kipper, can i have some juice? nana has juice, but i waaaaaant juice" and "meeep sqwawk eeeeeeerrrm baaaah pu puh poooooom" (while frantically signing for milk)
my feet hurt and my back aches. but my living space is now livable.
and i swear if it ever gets like that again i am donating 80% of those toys to goodwill and banning Morgan from doing anything but sleeping in there.
ok, so i am also pretty damn grumpy.
i cant wait for thursday. we have been invited to a valentines/anniversary party at an mazing body mod artists shop/museum. i am going to get all prettified, and i even get new shoes out of this!!!
ok so my post tax check spending needs to slow down a little bit.
but i am really liking being able to buy whatever i want/need for myself, my girls and my husband.
Niamh is sleeping sitting up straddling my leg head in the crook of my arm and she is just so damn amazingly gorgeous my heart melts into a thousand puddles when i look down at her sleeping face.
i am trying so hard to be a better mom to Addy. i need patience. i need calm, i need to be more playful, and more understanding of her needs as a highly spirited and sensitive 3.5 yo.
i love her so much. she is the sweet lil being that gave me the name mommy, she brought my life to a "whole nubba lebba" she is the first person in this world that took my heart from my chest and walks around with it in her pocket.
i think the biggest downfall i have, aside from my short fuse, is that she IS so big, and so smart. SOOOOOO smart, and witty and bright. and i often forget that under her size 6 tshirt and 10y vocab, that she is still a very very young child.
i know i have broken her heart.
on more than one occasion.
i am not proud. in fact it disgusts me.
i want to be a better mom for her. and never get like this for Niamh.

and on the flip side....
i bought lingerie.
sexy stuff.
hot and cute and sexy stuff.
cant wait to wear it thursday night. :)
not that i have ANY sex drive.
or natural lubrication.
damn nursing hormones.
gotta love human biology.
deep down in our cells our species knows what to do. it just our damn brains that get in the way of us being true to life animals, instead of cerebral
idiots that over think and screw up stuff.
agg rambling.
bedtime methinks.