things are up. and down, but not so up and down

zoloft has been helping ALOT. i dont want to die anymore. and i can smile, and enjoy my children. :) but it has given me a near constant headache, with frequent migraines. it SUCKS.
i am hurting all the time from the fibromyalgia. i cant get my MJ card, cause we have NO money. i applies for SS disability, cause i cant work with all of my fibro pain. hopefully i wont have to jump through hoops to get it approved. most people do.
once i get ssd then i can get my card. and a vaporizer. and some green meds.
thank the stars.
Morgan and i are trying to work on communication, the crippler of our marriage. neither one of us is a good communicator.
plus, inspite of my arguing with my mom for years about it, i am starting to think i might be on the spectrum. geez. like i dont have enough stigma being a fat bipolar hippie. lol.

Cailou and Crashbox

both girls are addicted to Cailou, which really bothers me. cause i HATE the lil fecker. he is SOOOOO whiney, and annoying. but at least he doesnt try to maim his lil sister like Addy does, so that kind of encourages her to be nicer to Niamh.
Addy is loving Crashbox, from HBO. its an educational show, but its really funny, and cool, and she really enjoys learning new things :)
right now she is learning about Richard Nixon :P

Morgan has gotten back into his artwork, which makes me really happy. he is so talented, and its nice to see him enjoy using his talents again. instead of sitting infront of a video game. in fact he hasnt played a video game in over a month. :D its helped our relationship alot. thank goodness. i feel more connected to him when he isnt playing WoW.

Addy helped make pizza from scratch last night, she really enjoys cooking. and a few days ago we made some banana bread. its nice to cook with her. we all enjoy the results, and she gets such a good feeling inside knowing she made something. :)

Niamh is talking up a storm now, repeating everything, following 2+ step directions, and even putting 2 and someties 3 words together. i love watching language develop in kids, its so wonderful to see their world expand and everything start to make sense to them :)

as for me, i got on Zoloft, and its helped. alot.
i got a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia, which explains all of my constant pain, the tummy issues, the sleep issues, the brain fog, everything. i applied for disability, if i cant work because of this, and i cant bring income to my family because of my pain, and other fibro issues, then i need to be able to help provide for them somehow.
my Dr has recommended taking a ton of vicodin to help manage the pain, and to get my ommp card asap, which will have to wait til tax return $ comes in. and that should help me manage my pain as well.

the weather is slowly warming up, all the snow is long melted, and the ground is soggy, thanks to all of our gorgeous oregon rain. i cant wait for the spring flowers to start popping up :)

update

so, i started taking Zoloft in October.
i feel better.
i do
i feel good.
i no longer want to jump off the overpass, or hide under the blankets all day long.
things still get me down, and i still get sad, but its no longer a deep dark downward spiral of depression. i dont feel like a zombie at all surprisingly. i am still having all my own feelings. i am just not depressed.
it feels really really good.
thank the stars for Zoloft :)

dark hole of despair.

fuck i love depression.
ok, not really so much.
things are bad.
bad enough for me to talk about it to other people.
bad enough to reach out and ask for help.

i fell asleep sobbing the night before last. Morgan just rubbed my back and held me and told me he loved me.
he has been so great. so patient. so understanding.
if it werent for him Addy might be completely feral.
i am the worlds worst mother.
i let her watch movies all day if she wants to.
i let her trash the repartment, and then dont enforce cleanup.
i hardly spend any quality time with her anymore.
all i want to do is sit in the comfy chair and nurse Niamh and try to ignore the feeling of dread. the doom and gloom.
it shows. Addy is LOSING it, alot lately.
she is lashing out physically when she is mad. she is back to throwing herself on the floor screaming at the top of her lungs.
i KNOW i created this. i KNOW its my fault. and i KNOW only i can change this, and make things better for her.
i WANT to make things better for her.
my children deserve better. my children deserve to have a happy mommy.
i need to call my nd and get an appt to get this sorted out.
no one deserves to have to be around me right now. i am a sucking black hole of despair.
when i'm not sobbing. or yelling.

this hurts so bad.

aaaag!

every few months i get this insane jealousy thing going on. and i KNOW its so crazy and rediculous.
i know i am a catch. i know i am super, i know my husband loves ME and comes home to ME. but i cant help but feel... i dunno if jealous is even the right word...
i feel like i am frumpy, out of shape,dumpy, not pretty and fabuloso. and my husband has worked with in the past, and maintains contact with these goreous women who are VERY much his exact "type" gorgeous women with heart shaped faces, round cheeks, pretty eyes, long(ish) dark brown hair, full lips, curvy body. you know, like me, only.... HOT. women who take the time to care about their appearance.
women who dont smell like breastmilk and armpits. women who wear clothes to accentuate their assets, not for easy nursing access. women who brush their hair and teeth and showe daily. women who actually have the energy, and sex drive to have sex with their partner.(that last part i assume) women who flirt with my husband, because he is attractive. he is sexy, he is.... the type of person who flirts without knowing he is flirting. the type of man who sees nothing wong with discussing ones sex life/fantasies with friends who are co-workers, and are hot women. he just doesnt see how desirable he is, and how that could make me feel like shit.

but i do. cause... just cause.

anxiety and frankenpussy, what more can one ask for?

lately i have been feeling lonely and misunderstood.
not anyones fault.
and really when i step back to think on it, i am NOT alone, and alot of people DO try to understand me to the best of their ability.
maybe its a byproduct of this funk thats been going on.
i am adrenal fatigued, i might even go so far as saying adrenal exhausted.
i need to get on some adrenal supps.
yuck, ground up glands and such from other animals go into these things. ewwww.
but i WILL do what i need to do for my health and the sanity and emotional ealth of my family.
i am yelling alot.
i am losing my patience and my cool alot.
i am finding it almost imposible to calm myself down after i get upset. it just escalates inside of me, leaving me finally feeling like i have been run over by a train.
even little things set me off.
and the big things.... well i am glad that they mostly happen when someone else who can be more calm is around, so i can remove myself from the sitch.

i hate feeling like a prisoner in my own body. and thats exactly how this makes me feel. like i CANNOT escape from this constant fight or flight feeling, the exhausted feeling, the completely incapability of rationaly handling any stress.
its effecting my whole family, and its really doing a number on me.
so, i am taking a placenta pill a day. along with my FO and prenatals (my body uses everything it can in those, and being a nursing mom its nice to have extra vites to pass on) my domperidone, lecithin, and lactation herbs, and when needed, extra vit c.
i need to throw in some B vite blend as well as some adrenal support blend.
hopefully soon, everything will be much better.
if not then its time to start talking to Dr about some ADs. even though i am SO anti pharms, i know they do help alot of people.

now if only frankenpussy would cheer up.
i never realized jsut HOW different my crotch would be after giving vaginal birth to a 10lb baby. i ripped, only not in the direction most people rip.
so all the "good" parts, are mangled.
i have yet to have a deeply satisfying left 100% happy with my womanly parts sexual encounter since Niamh was born.
i know alot has to do with dryness and nursing hormones, but its not only that. i could handle a dry crotch, thats what coconut oil is for.
its the mangled fun button. the relocation and separation of my most enjoyable bits and pieces.
dont get me wrong, if i had to choose Niamhs birth exactly the way it was, or sacrifice part of it for a non mangled pussy i would choose our perfect birth frankenpussy and all.
its just hard to not be frustrated, when a part of me i have known SO well for so long is now a stranger to me.
i miss my pussy.
and i bet my husband does too.
cause he be gettin NO action from Mangled Crotch McGee

first of many

new blog. just for me.
i have the family blog. for updates on the girls, morgan, and myself.
i needed a ME space. a place to purge the gunk within, without freaking extended family members out.

so, feelings for today.
exhaustion after cleaning the repartment top to bottom. resentment at being the only one to do it and having to basically try and ignore my children till they were squawking about their needs "mom i need a new caillou, i want more kipper, can i have some juice? nana has juice, but i waaaaaant juice" and "meeep sqwawk eeeeeeerrrm baaaah pu puh poooooom" (while frantically signing for milk)
my feet hurt and my back aches. but my living space is now livable.
and i swear if it ever gets like that again i am donating 80% of those toys to goodwill and banning Morgan from doing anything but sleeping in there.
ok, so i am also pretty damn grumpy.
i cant wait for thursday. we have been invited to a valentines/anniversary party at an mazing body mod artists shop/museum. i am going to get all prettified, and i even get new shoes out of this!!!
ok so my post tax check spending needs to slow down a little bit.
but i am really liking being able to buy whatever i want/need for myself, my girls and my husband.
Niamh is sleeping sitting up straddling my leg head in the crook of my arm and she is just so damn amazingly gorgeous my heart melts into a thousand puddles when i look down at her sleeping face.
i am trying so hard to be a better mom to Addy. i need patience. i need calm, i need to be more playful, and more understanding of her needs as a highly spirited and sensitive 3.5 yo.
i love her so much. she is the sweet lil being that gave me the name mommy, she brought my life to a "whole nubba lebba" she is the first person in this world that took my heart from my chest and walks around with it in her pocket.
i think the biggest downfall i have, aside from my short fuse, is that she IS so big, and so smart. SOOOOOO smart, and witty and bright. and i often forget that under her size 6 tshirt and 10y vocab, that she is still a very very young child.
i know i have broken her heart.
on more than one occasion.
i am not proud. in fact it disgusts me.
i want to be a better mom for her. and never get like this for Niamh.

and on the flip side....
i bought lingerie.
sexy stuff.
hot and cute and sexy stuff.
cant wait to wear it thursday night. :)
not that i have ANY sex drive.
or natural lubrication.
damn nursing hormones.
gotta love human biology.
deep down in our cells our species knows what to do. it just our damn brains that get in the way of us being true to life animals, instead of cerebral
idiots that over think and screw up stuff.
agg rambling.
bedtime methinks.