dark hole of despair.

fuck i love depression.
ok, not really so much.
things are bad.
bad enough for me to talk about it to other people.
bad enough to reach out and ask for help.

i fell asleep sobbing the night before last. Morgan just rubbed my back and held me and told me he loved me.
he has been so great. so patient. so understanding.
if it werent for him Addy might be completely feral.
i am the worlds worst mother.
i let her watch movies all day if she wants to.
i let her trash the repartment, and then dont enforce cleanup.
i hardly spend any quality time with her anymore.
all i want to do is sit in the comfy chair and nurse Niamh and try to ignore the feeling of dread. the doom and gloom.
it shows. Addy is LOSING it, alot lately.
she is lashing out physically when she is mad. she is back to throwing herself on the floor screaming at the top of her lungs.
i KNOW i created this. i KNOW its my fault. and i KNOW only i can change this, and make things better for her.
i WANT to make things better for her.
my children deserve better. my children deserve to have a happy mommy.
i need to call my nd and get an appt to get this sorted out.
no one deserves to have to be around me right now. i am a sucking black hole of despair.
when i'm not sobbing. or yelling.

this hurts so bad.